What to you do after a miscarriage?

My first miscarriage, I was 19 years old. I actually barely knew I was pregnant. My hubby and I (well boyfriend at the time) didn't  even have a chance to accept it or even be happy because I had gotten my period - only it was heavier literally a week after finding out. I never had an ultrasound. We definitely weren't ready at that time to have a baby but I think we would have welcomed it with open arms. 

My pregnancy with M was so physically hard on me I wasn't sure I would ever want to do it all again. The moment M was in my arms it all worth it!!! And trust me it was!!! I never imagined having a more beautiful baby girl. When I look In her eyes I see my husband and our love for each other, which is something I can never put into words.

Finding out we were expecting once again caught us completely off guard. It's a beautiful surprise! But at 9 weeks I had to say good bye to a beautiful baby bean who's heartbeat I saw and heard. I still have no idea how to feel. Part of me is torn, part of me is scared and part of me is numb. I don't know how to say good bye before I ever had a chance to say hello. No amount of tears can really express what my heart feels. It's a whole other level of sadness and I realize eventually time will heal my pain. But it will never bring my baby back.

As I join many support groups I read other people's stories and see the heart wrenching pictures of their stillborns and ultrasound pictures and realize I'm not alone. But just like them with time people just forgot you miscarried. Forgot you were pregnant. But as this babies mother how do I just forget. How do I forget ababy  who grew in my womb no matter how many weeks or days it was.

The things I have undergone in my life although very painful, couldn't compare to the pain my heart feels. I think I will always feel this pain. My daughters smile brighten ups my heart every second but they're are still two others I always think about. I always imagine what they would look like, what they would be like. In my heart I know they were both boys, just like i knew M was a girl. What would there names be? Who would they look like? No doubt beautiful just like M. 

I know I have 3 children. 2 boys and 1 girl. Unfortunately God only allowed my daughter to be with us. These questions remain: Is this something I should be ok with speaking publicly about? Is it something that should be kept private? I'm still very confused as to what is politically correct.

When ever I imagined my perfect family I always saw 2 children. But after these   experiences, do I really want to do this again? Ever? 

Yes the pain, vomiting all that is worth a beautiful baby in the end. But is putting myself thru this torture again worth my sanity? 

I never realized how dangerous the business of being born is until this miscarriage. Maybe I'm a little melodramatic but I want to grow old with my husband and watch my daughter grow up and have her own children.

P.s. I think I'm done.... M is my miracle.